So my mom said something very hurtful this morning and while I would really like to think she didn’t mean it how it sounded, I would still like an apology.
I tried to explain why it was messed up but she of course didn’t get it. Basically, she says hurtful things and then when I get upset/try to explain why my feelings are hurt she either a) stares at me blankly or b) gets mad at me. Either way she refuses to acknowledge that she could have phrased the offending statement better and she refuses to acknowledge my pain. Which makes me feel like my feelings don’t matter and by extension I don’t matter.
This morning I did say that she needs to learn how to better phrase things but I don’t think she heard me. I hope she did. She probably got pissed at me for it which I feel is ridiculous. I was half asleep so I might have said it in a meaner way than I meant, but there’s nothing wrong with being more aware of your impact on others. (And before you can say “Hypocrisy!” I was half asleep, but she had been up for hours. She had eaten and had time to wake up. She had no excuse.)
The thing is, she does not react well to confrontation. She turns her insecurities outward and starts talking about how “I’m the bad guy here! I work every day and make dinner and do everything and no one appreciates me!” and so on and so forth. Which is like first of all, you work from about 7 to 3 as a high school librarian and you get weekends off. You also don’t make dinner all that often and when you do, it’s usually food you froze ahead of time. You don’t do anything around the house except sometimes wash your own clothes. My dad does most of the chores/maintenance. In fact, I could be cleaning the bathroom I use and doing the dishes, and he still does it without complaining.
Second, it’s incredibly unhealthy to fall apart like that after hearing constructive criticism. I know because I do it. However, I’m self aware enough to realize that is not OK and I’m not in my 50s with a family and a therapist I’ve been seeing for years and years. Clearly she’s either lying to her therapist or her therapist is an enabler because this is some BULL. SHIT.
So yeah, I want an apology really badly. I want recognition. I want my feelings to be validated. But is it worth the hassle? That could make me even more stresses out. But then I want my voice to be heard and the very fact that I’m folding because of the hassle makes me feel even more like I’m disappearing. Not to mention it’s fucked up that she gets to continue her life thinking she’s completely validated in her bullshit and maladjusted habits. It isn’t fair that she gets to interact with other people in a hurtful way and then shrug it off like she can do no wrong.
It’s that bullshit Baby Boomer Feminist thing. It sounds really wrong of me to say that but I know it is. ”If anyone tells me I’m doing something wrong I just have to stick it out because I have a voice.” But you aren’t really all that oppressed as a white, thin, sort-of-upper middle class woman, are you? Especially by your own fucking daughter. Not everyone is trying to tread on you. Not all criticism is the end of the world.
Am I compromising myself by letting her get away with this? Or would it be compromising myself if I said something and then had to deal with her nonsense? My boyfriend has seen this stuff first hand and I know he’d tell me it would be healthier for me to go with the latter, but I’m headstrong and that just sounds like losing. Maybe just being responsible for myself in the face of a weird situation means I’m not compromising myself?
